There is nothing more guaranteed to raise my blood than to come across media reporting on these “drag queen reading hour” events, often held in our most sacred of public institutions, the local public library.
Despite myself, I always end up reading these reports far too closely for my own good. Just the headline itself will be enough to bring my blood to a gentle simmer. By the time I have reached the end of the article, the temperature will be up into a rolling boil.
It usually all ends with my screaming at the phone in disgust, occasionally even throwing it across the room in tantrum….and then so I will just sit there, in a darkened mood, empty and sickened from it all. Bleak moments such as these, I cannot but wonder what the hell is wrong with the world?
You might question “so why do I bother exerting all this negative energy?” Especially when I know quite well in advance the ill effect it has on my delicate temperament?
Well, you see, there is always a small part of me that hopes and prays that it is a Funny about food story and recipe which has been chosen for the reading hour. This way the kids would learn the importance of humour in shielding oneself from the insanity of this bat-shit crazy world, but they would also take home a couple of very easy and tasty recipes indeed.
Ok you might scoff and think how ridiculous I am in holding such high hopes for this newsletter. After all, why waste time reading to children about recipes when there is more important work to be done with their minds?
Well, I can’t speak to any of that, but are these dreams of mine really any more ridiculous than the literal concept of literal men in little dresses performing an entire reading hour for children? Are you not aware how crazy this whole business actually sounds?
I mean, have you ever yourself tried reading to a small child for longer than two to three minutes? Let alone an entire hour? If you are extremely lucky your audience will be passed out cold fast asleep within the first minute or so of the show1. If you are not so lucky, and the chances are you won’t be, you will instead find them screaming tantrums, dragging their parents off toward the next bright and shiny object which has caught their attention.
In fact, the only word in this whole “drag queen reading hour” concept which conveys a modicum of the horror involved is the word “drag” itself. A child dragged unwillingly to the event by performative parents, parents dragged off by their toddlers within the first minute of the performatance2, the protestors dragged out about having wasted an entirely perfect Saturday afternoon and finally, a drag for our QUEEN! (Who is most likely wearing a thong which has dragged itself up a dark and foreboding crevice, and which as a result is causing quite the uncomfortable itching sensation).
A drag upon all our houses indeed.
So yes, perhaps a short blast of an age-appropriate Funny about food together with the recipe for a biscuit or a fudge, (perhaps even followed by hand-outs) is exactly what this business needs to succeed. In fact, I have already started ironing my dresses.
But what funny story would I choose? There are just far too many, and so I asked my son to help me:
“Susan” I asked they/them, “which story do you think will generate the most laughs?”
Hir stared at me long before coldly responding:
“Your stories are about as funny as giving puberty blockers to children”.
No help there then.3
I just don´t know what is down with the kids these days. But one thing that I do know will go down very well is this recipe for fudge. Easy to make and it will last for weeks in an air-tight container. During the festive season I always brought a box with me as a gift for every occasion after dessert.
Vanilla Fudge Ingredients(makes 30-40 chunks)
One tin of sweetened condensed milk (397g)
450g demerara sugar
tablespoon of vanilla bean extract (if using essence I will use half)
115g butter
150g whole milk
Method
Using a large and deep pan, melt the butter and the sugar together over medium heat. Then add the condensed milk and the milk. Increase heat and then stir until the mixture reaches 118C (“soft ball”). This will take around 15 minutes.
Once this heat is achieved remove from pan to cool for around 10 minutes and then add the vanilla and stir well. Allow to cool for another 10 minutes and the beat well with a wooden spoon. This helps to set the fudge.
Place baking paper into a deep pan form (around 20cm by 20cm) and then transfer the fudge mixture to this. Feel free to beat the mixture some more and then allow to cool for several hours until it has set.
Remove the baking paper from the form and then cut the fudge into appropriate sized chunks and serve.
I once tried reading the Hobbit to my little sister and it was more like “Gone in sixty seconds”.
A performative performance is of course a performatance.
I finally ended up deciding on the following absolutely hilarious joke:
“Knock Knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Drag Queen reading hour story time”
“Drag Queen who sorry?”
“You TERF! Do you know even know that it’s 2024?”
I so missed your humorous pieces. That whole thing does sound like a right drag.
The desert looks yummy though. :)